a little push.

INT. DEN - NIGHT

A dark den in a very nice house. The lights are off, and the only thing illuminating the well-appointed surroundings is the TV in the center of the room. A MAN sits in an expensive chair facing away from us, at the TV.

We don't hear the TV. Rather, we hear nothing but a somber HANS ZIMMER SCORE. We can, however, see the picture on the TV, clear as day. It is a CNN report about Heath Ledger. The caption on the bottom of the screen reads: HEATH LEDGER DEAD AT 28.

We pull away, receding into the darkness, as the man watching the TV slumps over, his head in his hands.

INT. EDITING SUITE - NIGHT

We're in a sleek editing suite inside a converted garage. The man from before is studying footage on a screen. We can see now that this man is CHRISTOPHER NOLAN (37). He watches each take carefully. The takes are of Heath Ledger as the Joker. He switches back and forth, rubbing his unshaven jaw. He can't pick a take.

INT. UPSCALE THAI RESTAURANT - NIGHT

Nolan is having dinner with his wife, EMMA THOMAS. She mumbles something as she eats her meal, but again, we're not hearing anything but the Zimmer score. This is basically like a silent movie. Besides, Nolan's not listening anyway because he's distracted by the giant fish tank behind Emma. Among the underwater creatures within is a CLOWNFISH, which he watches closely.

A YOUNG BOY approaches the table and says something to Nolan. He holds out an autograph book. Nolan takes the book and writes something in it. This next thing we do hear:

YOUNG BOY

What's going to happen with the movie?

Nolan pauses. He finishes signing the book.

INT. EDITING SUITE - NIGHT

Nolan flips back and forth between Joker takes. Back and forth. He sits back and thinks. He takes a drink from a glass of Scotch. He stares at the screen for a long time.

INT. CHURCH - NIGHT

Nolan and Emma attend a memorial service, sitting among a crowd of mourners.

EXT. BRONSON CANYON - DAY

Nolan jogs.

INT. WARNER BROS. MEETING ROOM - DAY

Nolan meets with THREE STUDIO EXECUTIVES. One of them is talking, but Nolan is distracted by a CLOWNFISH swimming in an aquarium behind them.

STUDIO EXECUTIVE

When are we going to see a cut?

Nolan thinks about the question, still watching the clownfish.

INT. PET STORE - NIGHT

Nolan walks through a labyrinth of aquariums, illuminated in blue light. He studies the rare fish within. With every step, he rounds a blind corner into another dark nook. Finally, he steps around one corner, facing the aquariums directly in front of him, when from the side, a figure approaches-- SCARECROW (Cillian Murphy).

SCARECROW

Would you like to see my mask?

Nolan turns, startled, but sees no one there. He looks all around. He's alone. Then he spots a fish that catches his interest.

INT. NOLAN'S OFFICE - NIGHT

Nolan is standing in front of a desk at his home office. He looks into a new aquarium. Inside is a CLOWNFISH.

Emma walks up from behind and puts her arms around him. She presses her lips to his ear and whispers something. He solemnly mutters a response. She says nothing and walks out. Nolan watches her go. He pours himself a glass of Scotch.

EXT. BRONSON CANYON - DAY

Nolan jogs.

INT. EDITING SUITE - NIGHT

Nolan is back at it, watching alternate Joker takes, unable to decide. His editor, LEE SMITH, sits beside him. Smith talks to Nolan emphatically about something. Nolan doesn't respond, his eyes on the screen.

Smith gets up and walks off somewhere. Nolan flips around between takes. We see CLOSE-UP PIXELS, too close to decipher what they mean.

Now we're back on Nolan and a figure walks up beside him and sits in Smith's chair. But it's not Smith. It's RA'S AL GHUL (Liam Neeson).

RA'S AL GHUL

Are you ready to begin?

Nolan turns and looks at Ra's. Ra's glares back at him. Nolan turns back to the screen. He highlights a take and deletes it. The scene now has one Joker take.

EXT. SONY LINCOLN SQUARE - NIGHT

Nolan and Emma walk a black carpet leading up to the IMAX theatre at the world premiere of The Dark Knight. CHRISTIAN BALE, MAGGIE GYLLENHAAL, MICHAEL CAINE, and other actors from the film pose for photos. They're all wearing black.

The crowd of spectators chokes the city streets. Broadway has been closed and detoured to accommodate the event. The TUMBLER and BATPOD are on display in front of the theatre.

Nolan approaches the crowd and signs some autographs. All the people start asking questions at once.

BAT-FAN #1

Will the DVD have any deleted Joker scenes?

BAT-FAN #2

Was Joker going to be in the third movie?

BAT-FAN #3

How is Heath Ledger's death going to affect the Batman franchise?

BAT-FAN #4

Who will be the next villain?

Nolan nervously finishes signing the autographs and gives the crowd a little wave. He heads inside.

INT. THEATRE - NIGHT

Nolan watches The Dark Knight with the crowd. A dark bat symbol emerges from massive flames, exploding with such force that they almost look like black-and-blue clouds. The crowd applauds, which we don't hear.

I'm going to remind you at this point that we never hear anything except the Zimmer score and the odd bit of dialogue. I hope that's clear.

Nolan shifts uncomfortably in his seat. He wipes sweat from his brow.

On the screen, a man with his back turned to us stands on a street corner holding a rubber clown mask.

Nolan quietly excuses himself and leaves the theatre.

INT. MEN'S ROOM - NIGHT

Nolan enters and washes his face in the sink. The lights, malfunctioning, flicker on and off randomly. Nolan looks up at his reflection as the lights blink. Suddenly, when the lights come on, his reflection is that of TWO-FACE (Aaron Eckhart).

TWO-FACE

Why should I hide who I am?

Nolan jumps back. The light flickers again and his reflection is back to normal.

EXT. SONY LINCOLN SQUARE - NIGHT

Nolan runs out toward the Tumbler. He pulls a small remote device from his pocket and taps a button with his thumb.

The canopy of the Tumbler slides open.

Nolan jumps inside and closes it. He activates the engine.

The Tumbler moves forward, barreling through a perimeter of velvet ropes.

EXT. NEW YORK CITY STREETS - NIGHT

The Tumbler speeds through the city, turning hard corners whenever an obstacle is in the way. Finally, it tears into a massive dark alley, where it's forced to come to a stop at a dead end.

Nolan jumps out of the Tumbler and looks up into the patch of night sky barely visible beyond the towering old buildings.

EXT. BRONSON CANYON - DAY

Nolan jogs.

INT. WARNER BROS. MEETING ROOM - DAY

Nolan meets with the three execs.

STUDIO EXECUTIVE

Can the next villain be similar to the Joker?

Nolan gets up. He walks over to a minibar and pours himself a glass of Scotch. He takes a drink and just stares at the execs.

INT. WARNER BROS. HALLWAY - DAY

Nolan leaves the meeting. As he walks through the hallway, he passes a dapper man in a jade green suit with matching derby, a cane hanging from his arm. RIDDLER (Leonardo DiCaprio). He twists a puzzle cube in his hands.

RIDDLER

Life's full of questions, isn't it?

Nolan stops. He turns slightly and eyes Riddler. Riddler smiles. Nolan keeps walking and darts into a men's room.

INT. MEN'S ROOM - DAY

Nolan goes to a urinal and starts relieving himself. There's a man at the next urinal muttering something. He's wearing a trench coat and top hat.

MAN AT URINAL

Will you, won't you, will you, won't you...

The man turns his head to face Nolan, revealing himself as MAD HATTER (Johnny Depp). But this is no silly Tim Burton Alice in Wonderland Mad Hatter. This one looks like your average unhinged postal case.

MAD HATTER

... won't you join the dance?

INT. PARKING GARAGE - DAY

Nolan bursts inside and looks for his car. He spots it-- the Tumbler, backed into a normal parking space, the two cars on either side of it destroyed. He starts to go to it but stops dead in his tracks when he spots a man sitting on the curb, looking down. He's bald, wearing a containment suit with a dome helmet. MR. FREEZE (Tobin Bell). His voice comes out filtered and cold.

MR. FREEZE

Has everyone forgotten me already?

Nolan sees that he's tapping some kind of specialized gun on the ground. Nolan dashes into the Tumbler. He starts trying to drive forward, but the Tumbler is stuck, wedged between the two destroyed cars.

Mr. Freeze turns his head and looks at the Tumbler.

Panicking, Nolan hits an emergency switch and grabs onto the steering mechanism.

He flies out of the Tumbler, now driving the Batpod, and speeds out of the garage.

EXT. BURBANK STREET - DAY

The Batpod races down Olive for about a mile, then stops. Nolan sees a comic book shop called HOUSE OF SECRETS.

INT. HOUSE OF SECRETS - DAY

Nolan enters, sweating, his hair frazzled. He pats it down as he notices the SALESGIRL behind the counter. She smiles at him. He smiles back. He heads toward the racks and picks up a Batman comic book. He flips through the pages in a frenzy, trying to look and feel normal. 

There's a man next to Nolan, but he doesn't appear to be another Batman villain. He's a bald man, with circle-lensed sunglasses, bushy eyebrows, and a chinstrap beard. Oh wait, it's HUGO STRANGE (Robin Williams). He peers over Nolan's shoulder at the comic book.

HUGO STRANGE

Do you know who Batman really is?

Nolan shakes his head.

HUGO STRANGE

Would you like to?

EXT. BRONSON CANYON - DUSK

Jogging, Nolan stops and looks up. The sun is setting now and dark clouds are engulfing the sky. It starts to drizzle. Nolan resumes jogging.

INT. NOLAN'S OFFICE - NIGHT

Nolan sits at his desk, staring at his word processor. Still unshaven, with dark bags under his eyes. He looks up at his clownfish, swimming around its aquarium, filled with little castles and things you put in aquariums.

After a long thought process, Nolan types the word BATMAN. He stops and reads back the single word. He looks up again at the clownfish and sees a shadowy figure standing next to the aquarium. Very well dressed, in a long coat, with an icy stare. PENGUIN (Philip Seymour Hoffman). 

PENGUIN

You don't really think you'll win, do you?

Penguin reaches into the aquarium and pulls out the clownfish. He drops it into his mouth and eats it. He then whips open an umbrella. Nolan reflexively hides behind his desk. He peeks back out.

Penguin is gone.

He walks over to the aquarium. The clownfish is gone too.

Rubbing his face, Nolan looks at the door to his office.

INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT

Nolan enters his bedroom, barely lit by the moonlight through the window. Emma is already in bed, asleep. Nolan crawls in next to her and tries to rouse her. He starts kissing her neck and turns her around as she wakes up. She kisses him back. When she pulls her head away to look in his eyes, she's no longer Emma but POISON IVY (Eva Green), wearing nothing but provocative olive green tatters.

POISON IVY

But I'm poison... remember?

Nolan recoils and falls backward out of bed. He scrambles out of the room.

INT. NOLAN'S OFFICE - NIGHT

Nolan runs into his office and locks the door. He goes behind his desk and looks through a drawer. He pulls out a half-empty bottle of Scotch. When he rises, he finds something on his desk other than his word processor.

It's HARLEY QUINN (Katee Sackhoff). Her face covered in white grease paint reminiscent of Heath Ledger's Joker, with black paint on her eyes and lips. She's wearing a red and black nightie and is sitting with her legs open in front of her.

HARLEY

Come on, puddin', don't you wanna rev up your Harley?

Nolan circles the desk and stumbles toward the aquarium. He pulls up his sleeve and sticks his hand in the water, reaching down into the bottom. He grabs the top of an underwater castle and pulls on it, like a switch. An iron maiden next to a bookshelf opens up.

As he backs into the iron maiden and it shuts, he and Harley never break eye contact.

INT. BATCAVE - NIGHT

Nolan slides out of a pneumatic tube and falls to the ground. On his knees, he looks up. He's surrounded by eyes. The eyes of bats hanging from the cave ceiling. But more than that. There's people here. Lots of people. Nolan puts his hand up on a computer console and hits a button.

The lights switch on and Nolan sees them.

A HAREM OF REDHEADED FEMALE SIDEKICKS. There must be no less than a hundred of them. CARRIE KELLY ROBINS & BATGIRLS (Jennifer Lawrence, Emma Watson, Brie Larson, Emma Stone, Ellen Page, Alison Pill, Amanda Seyfried, Mary Elizabeth Winstead, Olivia Wilde, Christina Ricci, etc) and BATWOMANS (Kate Winslet, Charlize Theron, Judy Greer, Linda Cardellini, Angelina Jolie, Amy Adams, Hilary Swank, Rachel Weisz, Jennifer Connelly, Minnie Driver, Cate Blanchett, Naomi Watts, etc).

Nolan stands and runs into the crowd. He tries to push past them, but they overpower him and pin him against a concrete slab. They rip off all his clothes (except for the jogging scenes, Nolan has been wearing a suit this whole time) revealing a full BATSUIT underneath. One of them comes up to Nolan with the only thing missing-- the cowl.

From Nolan's P.O.V., we see the cowl being placed on his head until we are blinded by darkness.

EXT. BRONSON CANYON - NIGHT

Nolan runs through the rain. He reaches the bottom and keeps running until he stops at the entrance to a cave.

But not just any cave.

The Batcave from the 1966 Bill Dozier Batman TV show. Nolan runs inside.

INT. 1966 BATCAVE - NIGHT

Nolan collapses halfway through the cave tunnel. He's soaking wet and crying. From out of nowhere, he pulls a REVOLVER. He studies it in his hands, weeping in despair for the madness he can never escape.

From out of the shadows, a figure walks up to Nolan. He crouches beside him, revealing his face-- which is obscured in a clown mask. He removes the clown mask and shakes off his hair.

JOKER (Heath Ledger).

Nolan is in shock. Joker smiles.

JOKER

Why so serious?

Nolan slowly starts laughing. More and more until the both of them are cackling.

LIGHTNING FLASHES on the other end of the cave, illuminating TWO SILHOUETTES standing just outside. Nolan stands, watching them.

We can tell just from their shape that it's BANE (Tom Hardy) and CATWOMAN (Anne Hathaway). Nolan runs toward them to get a better look, but when he emerges on the opposite end of the cave, he's alone.

He looks around at the canyon walls, then turns to a clearing. In the middle is a MASSIVE OBJECT, covered in a heavy tarp. Nolan, blinking his way through the rain, approaches the object. He grabs the tarp and pulls it off, unveiling a massive Tumbler-like flying vehicle. THE BAT.

We pan up into the night sky, but the storm has obscured the stars. The Bat flies into view and away into the upper troposphere, disappearing among the black-and-blue clouds.

THE END.

the five obstructions for this script were:

1. from katie:

the characters must frequent a thai restaurant

2. from mike:

there can be no statements in the dialogue. only questions

3. from carl:

more females than males

4. from jandro:

the main character is always hallucinating

5. from shannon:

the main character must have a pet that drives the plot forward

death in the clouds.

EXT. VOID - NIGHT

In the void of abstract shapes, we catch flashes of what looks like mourners at a funeral. Eyes tearing up. Hands being held. It's hard to make anyone out, but we can hear single voices over the steady sound of rain.

VOICE

Tonight we lay to rest Maxine Finn. A young woman with so much promise... taken before her time...

The only peaceful visage we get a glimpse of is that of a young woman lying peacefully face up.

VOICE

Usually Maxine would have trouble sleeping on a night like tonight... because she was scared of thunder.

EXT. RAINY SKY - NIGHT

Thunder cracks. The fog is thick as the rain pours into what looks like a mountainous forest region. Branches reach menacingly into the sky from trees older than the oldest man.

Suddenly, a cloud flies into view. The cloud is being used as transport, like a car, by THREE PASSENGERS sitting on top. "Driving" the cloud is a man in his 30s with a beard and a baseball cap. This is WARREN. Next to Warren is a terrified young woman in her 20s, shaking like a leaf. This is MAXINE, who we might remember from a funereal void we were just at. And dangling his feet from the back of the cloud is an old timer in a trench coat and fedora hat. This is MR. BACON. All three have angel halos over their heads.

MAXINE

We've been going this way too long, we need to turn around!

WARREN

We can't turn around now, we've been going this way too long!

MAXINE

Do you even know where you're going?

WARREN

No, okay! I have no idea!

BACON

Have you considered up?

Bacon points at a series of white clouds overhead. Warren grabs the cloud and pulls it up, toward the big white clouds.

EXT. SERIES OF WHITE CLOUDS - NIGHT

The rain pounds as they close in on the white clouds. They fly toward the biggest one, where they spot THREE FIGURES (also haloed) waving them in. They pull in as one of the figures, a BURLY BIKER with tattoos and a leather vest, helps them get close and "dock" with the big cloud. This cloud breaks off into layers and levels. Sitting on top of the cloud is a small cluster of household objects (refrigerator, table, chairs) arranged into a minimalist domicile.

The rain is still coming down, so the three strangers lead Warren, Maxine, and Bacon to an area covered by another cloud.

We now get a good look at the three figures who seem to live here: there's the burly biker, an OLD JEWISH MAN in a suit, and a YOUNG BOY tapping away at a handheld video game.

BURLY BIKER

You folks look like you're lost.

WARREN

This isn't heaven, is it?

The biker laughs.

BURLY BIKER

No, heaven proper is about a hundred million miles yonder.

Burly biker waves his arm in an unclear direction.

BURLY BIKER

We didn't like the vibe, so we set up a spot out here. We're what you'd call... outsiders.

There's an uncomfortable silence.

BURLY BIKER

You're welcome to crash here for the night.

Maxine looks at the biker in terror.

MAXINE

Oh no, we really should be going!

WARREN

Don't be silly, Maxine. It's pouring rain. Thank you kindly, sir. My name's Warren and this is Maxine.

BURLY BIKER

I'm Sly. This is Isaac, but we call him Matzo.

The old Jewish man speaks up, with a Yiddish accent.

MATZO

Pleasure to make your acquaintance.

SLY

And this young boy is Bradley.

BRADLEY

Hello.

SLY

How bout you, old timer?

BACON

The name's Bacon.

They shake hands, followed by another uncomfortable silence.

SLY

Y'all are just in time for supper.

Maxine tries to catch Warren's eye. She's scared to death.

THUNDER AND LIGHTNING AS WE SMASH CUT TO:

EXT. DINING AREA - NIGHT

Under the canopy of another cloud, the six of them eat at a dinner table. All around them, it continues to rain. Bradley is tapping on his video game as he eats.

MAXINE

You like that game, huh?

BRADLEY

It's the only one I have.

Bradley shows Maxine a screen of the top ten high scores. They are all identical perfect scores with Bradley's initials.

MAXINE

Oh...

SLY

Bradley, we have company.

Bradley slams the game down on the table. He starts to eat.

MAXINE

Is Bradley your son?

SLY

No.

There is a long silent beat of everyone just eating.

MATZO

So tell us how you died.

Warren and Maxine are a bit shocked by the question. They look to Sly for an assuring smile or something, but he's staring seriously at them while chewing some chicken off a bone.

MAXINE

Well, I... I was... at the mall. I was on the escalator and it just stopped and I... fell down.

SLY

Just like that.

Sly snaps his fingers really loud.

MATZO

Death traps those things.

WARREN

Mine was a car accident. I was at an intersection and I was going left, and I completely had the right of way--

SLY

Yeah, okay, we get it.

MATZO

Yeah, sorry, kid, but ninety-nine percent of the stories we hear start with "I was driving and I had the right of way."

WARREN

I did.

MATZO

(to Bacon)

What about you, mister?

BACON

Job-related injury.

SLY

What kinda work you do?

BACON

Private dick.

SLY

No shit! Pardon my French.

WARREN

Well, that'll come in handy if there's a murder tonight.

THUNDER AND LIGHTNING. Maxine drops her fork on her plate, tensing up.

WARREN

Sorry. I have kind of a morbid sense of humor. I was a horror filmmaker.

BRADLEY

Cool!

WARREN

You like horror movies?

BRADLEY

Yeah! Did you make ones with lots of blood?

WARREN

You bet!

MAXINE

Could we talk about something else?

No one speaks. Everyone is half-glaring at Maxine.

SLY

What would you like to talk about?

Maxine can't think of anything. More silent eating.

EXT. BATHROOM SINK - NIGHT

The rain continues. Maxine is in a little private nook of the cloud leaning over a porcelain bathroom sink in front of a mirror. She puts her hands under the running water and splashes some on her face.

She looks at herself in the mirror. She wants to cry. Her face twists in agony, but she holds it back.

MAXINE

It'll be okay... god dammit...

Maxine walks out of the private area and bumps into Warren.

MAXINE

Warren! You frightened me.

WARREN

Relax. You're okay.

MAXINE

Look, I have a bad feeling. I want to go, okay? Anywhere but here.

WARREN

Oh, Maxine. I haven't known you very long. And I like you. But if you think we're going out into a biblical storm because you have a bad feeling, you are a fucking lunatic.

MAXINE

Warren, please.

WARREN

No. Fuck you. Go to sleep.

EXT. SLEEPING AREA - NIGHT

Maxine walks out and sees everyone asleep all over fluffy puffs of cloud, dry from the shelter of other clouds above. She stands frozen in the corner.

MAXINE

(softly)

You guys... I can't sleep here... I'm sorry, I just... I can't...

Bradley walks over and whispers to her.

BRADLEY

You scared?

Maxine nods.

BRADLEY

I was scared too right after I died. I couldn't sleep the whole night.

The tears are welling up in Maxine's eyes.

BRADLEY

You want to sleep in my treehouse?

Maxine looks at Bradley.

EXT. LONG ROPE - NIGHT

Bradley and Maxine climb a rope. They get to a little cloud, still under the rain canopy, but up way higher than the sleeping area. Maxine hops on the little cloud and Bradley pokes his head over the edge.

BRADLEY

I come here when I want to be alone.

Maxine tucks herself into the cloud fluff.

BRADLEY

Don't worry, you'll be safe up here. I've cast lots of safety enchantments over it.

MAXINE

Thanks Bradley.

BRADLEY

Good night.

Bradley disappears over the edge as he climbs back down the rope.

Maxine turns to the other edge and looks at the breathtaking landscape of clouds and fog, obscuring the outline of mountaintops and treetops in the distance. An eagle cries out in the night. Then there is only the sound of rain.

Illuminated by the soft light of her halo, Maxine slowly lets her eyes close... as she drifts off to sleep.

SMASH CUT TO:

EXT. LITTLE CLOUD - DAY

Maxine's corpse lays splayed on the little cloud. She has been stabbed multiple times, her clothes torn and bloody. A knife protrudes from her chest. Her now-darkened halo has been pulled down around her neck.

Also the rain has stopped.

BRADLEY (O.S.)

Maxine... breakfast...

EXT. SLEEPING AREA - DAY

The men are all stretching and mulling about. Above them, Bradley climbs the rope to the little cloud.

BACON

That was the best sleep I've ever had.

MATZO

Clouds are great for the back.

Bradley reaches the top of the rope, pauses, and SCREAMS.

EXT. LITTLE CLOUD - DAY

The five guys have taken a transport cloud up and are now looking down on Maxine's corpse.

MATZO

I ain't seen an honest-to-goodness murder in a long time.

SLY

Whoever did this knew what they were doing with a knife.

BRADLEY

(crying)

We was gonna be good friends.

WARREN

Wait a minute. She was an angel. How can she be--

SLY

If you die down there, you come up here. But if you die up here...

Sly shakes his head. Warren vomits.

BACON

Looks like I got one last case.

In the distance, an eagle cries.

MATZO

Mr. Bacon, you think you can figure out who did it?

BACON

Yeah, I can. That is, unless anyone has a problem with me conducting an investigation.

Everyone shakes their head no.

BACON

Rats. An objection right off the bat woulda given me a good starting point. Well, I don't mind if I do.

Bacon examines her shoes. Not a scuff on them.

BACON

Nice shoes. She had a closet full of em at home.

Bacon goes through her pockets. He finds keys and a bedazzled smartphone with a crack down the middle of the screen. He pushes a button. The screen remains dark.

BACON

That's outta juice.

Bacon goes through another pocket and finds a wallet. He opens it up. There's lots of empty little pockets and compartments for coins and stuff. He finds a driver's license, credit cards, punch cards for mall eateries, and a photo of Maxine with ANOTHER GIRL.

BACON

Pretty.

Bacon sets the keys, phone, and wallet down on the cloud next to Maxine and examines her bloody torso.

BACON

Looks like... seven stab wounds. With this.

Bacon pulls the knife out and examines it. It's a swiss army knife with a wooden handle. An engraved wooden handle. Bacon wipes the blood off to reveal a word, which he then shows everyone: WARREN.

BACON

(to Warren)

Is this yours?

SLY

What the fuck!

WARREN

That is mine. But I didn't... someone must've... okay, wait...

Warren dives off the cloud and plummets toward the big main cloud. Sly jumps after him.

Warren lands on the soft fluff and bounces around. He scrambles to his feet and starts to run, but is tackled back down by Sly.

EXT. BATHROOM SINK - DAY

Sly cuffs Warren to the sink Maxine was at the night before. Warren is forced to stay seated underneath it. Sly is flanked by Matzo and Bradley while, up above them, Bacon studies the rope leading up to the murder scene.

WARREN

It wasn't me!

SLY

Then you won't mind getting cuffed to this sink!

MATZO

How do you explain the knife, young fella?

WARREN

Oh please. I make horror movies. Thinking about death is my job. Why would I leave such an obvious piece of evidence at the scene of a murder?

MATZO

As a director of modern horror, your foremost goal is to subvert expectations.

SLY

Exactly. The evidence is so overwhelming that it has to be a frame-up. You're the classic patsy. Which means the biggest twist of all would be that you framed yourself!

MATZO

Only a sicko as movie-savvy as a horror director would come up with that one.

WARREN

This is insane!

In the distance, an eagle cries. Bacon walks up.

BACON

Hey, fellas, I'm gonna go talk to that eagle. Can you keep an eye on Warren while I'm gone?

Bradley flicks a blade out of Warren's knife.

BRADLEY

With pleasure.

EXT. EAGLE'S NEST - DAY

An EAGLE sits at a nest on the highest treetop on the mountain. Bacon flies over on a transport cloud.

BACON

Scuse me. You mind if I ask you a few questions?

The eagle speaks with a deep voice.

EAGLE

I will answer all that you ask.

BACON

Were you here all last night?

EAGLE

Yes.

BACON

And how's your vision?

EAGLE

The mighty eagle sees all.

BACON

Did anyone come up to that big cloud last night besides me and my two friends?

EAGLE

No one else came or left.

BACON

That means it was one of them... y'see, we had a murder last night.

EAGLE

Death is a necessary part of life, and I celebrate your loss.

BACON

... did you kill my friend?

EAGLE

No. Bird cares not for the petty affairs of man.

BACON

You wouldn't steer me wrong, would you?

EAGLE

The proud eagle knows nothing of deception.

BACON

Okay. Thanks for your help. I just have one more question.

EAGLE

The answer is yours to have.

BACON

Did you see who did it?

We get close on the eagle, his gaze straight and true...

EXT. BATHROOM SINK - DAY

Sly, Matzo, and Bradley watch Warren closely. Bradley flicks the blade in and out of Warren's knife. In the distance, we see Bacon slowly flying the transport cloud back to the big cloud.

SLY

Y'know, we oughta just slice up this fuckin' pig right now.

WARREN

No! Wait till Bacon gets back with what the eagle said!

BRADLEY

(crying)

Did you wait last night when you killed Maxine?

WARREN

What are you talking about!

MATZO

I think this guy wants to play us all for suckers.

SLY

That's it, I ain't waitin' to hear what I already know. Let's cornhole this bastard.

WARREN

Oh my god!

BACON

Stop!

Bacon speeds up on the transport cloud and jumps down.

BACON

You'd be cornholin' an innocent man.

SLY

What do you know about it, Bacon?

BACON

I know who did it. The eagle told me what he saw.

They all eye each other.

BACON

Bradley, can I have that knife?

BRADLEY

Why?

BACON

I just thought this would go easier if the murderer didn't have a weapon.

SLY

Are you saying Bradley is the killer?

BRADLEY

(crying)
I would never hurt anyone.

MATZO

We know that, Bradley. Now give this putz the knife so he'll see.

Bradley stops crying, sighs, and darts to the sink. He puts the knife to Warren's throat.

BRADLEY

You motherfuckers take one more step and I'll do Spielberg here like I did Maxine.

MATZO

Oy gevalt.

BRADLEY

We shoulda had that stupid buzzard for chicken fingers years ago.

BACON

Actually, the eagle told me he didn't see anything. I knew it was you after I examined the corpse.

SLY

Bradley. Why.

BACON

The oldest motive in the book.

Bacon takes Maxine's wallet out of his pocket and opens it up.

BACON

No bills in Maxine's wallet.

MATZO

But how did you know it was Bradley and not one of us?

BACON

No coins in the coin pocket either. Only a kid would bother with the coins.

BRADLEY

I wanted a new video game.

BACON

Plus, he's been fake crying all day. You know that put-upon fake crying that kids do?

BRADLEY

I'll visit your whore mother in hell and make her cry.

BACON

Just give us the knife, kid. You got no play here.

BRADLEY

Wrong. See, I think I have a great play. I'm gonna take your transport cloud and me and Scorsese are gonna go on a little trip. And if I see any of you within ten miles of me, I open up his jugular vein like a lawn sprinkler. Now toss me the keys to the handcuffs.

Sly walks over and picks up Bradley by the shirt collar. Bradley stabs him in the shoulder. Sly grabs Bradley's little fist and crushes every bone in his hand. Bradley screams in pure agony. Sly throws him against the bathroom sink and we hear his head THUNK against the porcelain. Now he's crying so hard that he's not even making a sound.

BACON

See, that's how kids really cry.

SLY

Music to my fuckin' ears. Pardon my French.

EXT. HEAVEN PRISON - DAY

Guards stand all around the structure of infinitely tall steel walls. Bacon walks up to a window with bars on it.

BACON

You in there, kid?

BRADLEY

(from inside the cell)

Fuck off.

BACON

Hey, truce, okay? I brought you a little something to help pass the time.

Bacon holds up Bradley's video game. Bradley comes to the window. He takes it through the bars.

BRADLEY

Thank you.

BACON

You're welcome. Hey, I figure you're gonna be in there for a few billion years; you're gonna be a drooling vegetable if you don't have something to keep you entertained.

Bradley flicks a switch on the video game. Nothing happens. He whips it around and opens the battery compartment.

BRADLEY

Where's the batteries?

Bacon holds up a pair of batteries.

BACON

They're right here, you little piece of murdering shit.

Bradley smashes the game against the wall.

BRADLEY

You son of a bitch! I'm gonna get you, Bacon! I don't care how fucking long they keep me in here! I'm gonna get out one day and carve you up for Thanksgiving dinner, faggot!

Bacon grabs Bradley's shirt and yanks his head into the prison bars. We hear the CLANG.

BACON

Fuck you.

Bacon walks away with both middle fingers high in the air.

EXT. SERIES OF WHITE CLOUDS - DAY

Sly and Matzo are spread out on the fluff, watching the clouds above them. Lying next to them is Warren. They're all drinking beers.

SLY

So a spot just opened up in our crib for a roommate. You wanna hang out and talk movies for a while?

WARREN

I think I will.

Warren takes a swig.

WARREN

You guys think we'll see Mr. Bacon again?

SLY

Guys like him don't stay put. He'll keep moving on. And he'll keep helping folk. In fact, I got a feeling his career is just beginning.

The three men drink beer and watch the sky as we crossfade with their mind's eye view of Bacon, flying into heavens unknown on his transport cloud.

THE END.

the five obstructions for this script were:

1. from brett:

all exteriors

2. from shannon:

there is no floor, only objects to sit or stand upon

3. from sheldon:

the story must start and end with three characters

4. from maileen:

no love interest

5. from jandro:

main character dies halfway through